Sunday, October 5, 2008
Spread the Stupidity...
Only in America....
Only in America .....do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America .....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Only in America .....do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America .....do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America .....do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America .....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
Only in America .....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all of your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Church Bulletin Mishaps
These are real church bulletin mishaps... letters left off the end of the word... bad wording.. etc
*this is not in anyway meant to be offensive
- The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals.
- The sermon this morning :"Jesus walks on Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
- Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things
not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
- The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
- Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you
- Don't let worry kill you off- let the church help.
- Miss Charlene Mason sang "I Will Not Pass this Way Again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
-For those of you who have children and don't know it..., we have a nursery downstairs.
-Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
-The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth into Joy"
-Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married October 24th in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
- At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come
early and listen to the choir practice.
-Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and the deterioration of some older ones.
- Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children
- Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
- The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment, and gracious hostility
- Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00PM - prayer and medication to follow.
- The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
- This evening at 7:00PM there will be hymn singing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
- Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10:00AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
Things i've learned while living in Louisiana:
1. Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.
2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in LOUISIANA.
3. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in LOUISIANA plus a couple no one's seen before.
4. If it grows - it sticks; if it crawls - it bites.
5. Onced and twiced are words.
6. It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.
7. Fire ants consider your flesh as a picnic.
8. People actually grow and eat okra.
9. Fixinto is one word
10. There is no such thing as 'lunch'. There is only dinner and then there is supper.
11. Ice tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar!
12. Backards and forwards means 'I know everything about you.'
13. Jeet? is actually a phrase meaning 'Did you eat?'
14. You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.
15. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH them.
YOU KNOW YOUR FROM LOUISIANA IF:
1. You measure distance in minutes.
2. You've ever had to switch from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day.
3. You use 'fix' as a verb. Example: 'I'm fixing to go to the store '
4. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.
5. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
7. You carry jumper cables in your car...for your OWN car.
8. You only own two spices: Tony's and Tabasco.
9. The local papers cover national and international news on one page but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.
10. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
11. You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit 'a little warm'.
12. You know all four seasons: Deer Season, Duck Season, Crawfish Season, Summer.
13. You know whether another LOUISIANIAN is from, north or south as soon as they start talking.
14. Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as "goin' Wal-martin'" or "off to Wally World."
15. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good gumbo weather.
16. A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola or pop...it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor. Example: "What kinda coke you want?" "Dr. Pepper."
17. Fried catfish is the other white meat.
18. We don't need driver's ed...if our mama says we can drive, we can drive.
hope you enjoyed these! Have a great night!